I can't blame myself. Who is the only one who fights for what I want in life? Oh right, that would be me. So nope, not my fault.
I can't blame my parents. They want what's best for me (if only I knew what that was). They do what they do for me out of love and worry. So nope, not their fault.
I can't blame life. Life happens because of decisions that affect other's decisions and *decisinception*. So nope, not life's fault.
I honestly can't blame anyone/thing/situation.
But how can it be no one/nothing's fault?
And then: BAM. I realize it is my fault! When did I become so negative? When did I become so selfish? When did I become so... terrible to be around??
Once that realization hits, I panic (like any normal person would).
- I'm quitting my job because it doesn't make me happy (among other important reasons) *comes out of the hole a bit*
- I'm flying to Germany because I don't feel like I can find the answers I'm looking for in my own city *comes out of the hole a bit more*
- I'm being super independent and dying my hair and acting like a 22 year old who doesn't have life figured out should be allowed to act *is almost out of the hole*
- I'm flying back from Germany bawling my eyes out on a plane over a silly movie about some girl finding herself *stays in the hole*
- I'm frustrated because I don't know if anyone will support my decisions and I'm sad/angry because most people aren't understanding my semi-rational actions *goes back into the hole*
How does one deal with all of this in a three week period??
Total shut-down. That's how.
I turned myself off, gave myself a break, jumped back on the band wagon and out of that hole.
"Somewhere in me there is strength."
"I am who I am."
"Water off a duck's back."
"I will find my way, I can go the distance."
"As you grow, you become more of who you already are."
I heard that last quote in class today, and I can't think of a better life motto for myself. It's not about changing yourself, it's about making who you already are better. Who would have thought that a class I was forced (literally) to take before graduation would have such an impact on my life?
It doesn't matter that I'm studying the "wrong" thing; there may never be a "right" thing for me to study.
It doesn't matter that I've been working in the "wrong" industry since I started college; what I learned and took away from those jobs is invaluable experience.
It doesn't matter that I have everyone's support in my decisions; the only opinions for my future that matter are my own.
It doesn't matter that my wants and desires might change; that is so normal !!!
It doesn't matter that I am still not 100% sure about everything in my life; no one is ever 100% sure about everything.
No one ever knows what's best for them, they only know what the best decision is for RIGHT NOW. Shouldn't we be living for RIGHT NOW? Shouldn't I be deciding for RIGHT NOW??
Finding direction... finding and being yourself... finding strength and happiness and excitement in life... it's what I need. It's what I'm going to do.
This blog is going to change this summer. I hope you're ready for it.